Review: Desecrated

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I watched the sunset from the tower window, then trudged off through the castle to my screening room, ready to watch yet another goodie from Kings of Horror. After perusing the oodles of indie horror titles, I settled on something called DESECRATED.

It begins with three asshole campers in the middle of the woods, acting like assholes. It’s no shame when they are each picked off in military fashion by a gas mask wearing madman. Then we cut to sometime later, and a carload of asshole spring breakers are driving into what we can assume are the very same woods.

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After a boatload of totally unnecessary dialog, and an encounter with a typically creepy caretaker, they arrive at a mansion in the middle of nowhere, where they plan to do all the things that spring breakers do. The movie then quickly settles into standard issue slasher flick territory and it shamelessly revisits just about every dumb slasher flick cliché imaginable. Besides the menacing caretaker (who not coincidentally is ex-military), we get a dorky neighbor who ogles the hot chicks (though where he could possibly live out here is never explained), lurking pov shots, a spooky abandoned cabin where the lovers decide to be alone (rather than in the nice clean house), and a little half-assed shrine with jars of some body parts or something (apparently this is where titular “desecration” takes place). Needless to say, they all start dying, after behaving in totally asinine fashion.

Now, I love a good slasher flick, and all of this would be fine if the makers had found a coherent story arc, rather than the absurd mish-mash of ideas that they present us with. It isn’t long at all before the killer’s identity is revealed, and this only serves to make his subsequent behavior even more baffling. It’s almost as if he has a split personality, but I definitely don’t think that’s what the makers intended. They just have no clue how to move a story forward. In one (unintentionally) hilarious bit, we get backstory flashbacks to a scene that no one is alive to report, then we’re told that no one knows what happened anyway. Suffice it to say, the asshole campers weren’t just assholes, but murderers and rapists as well.

On the plus side, the lights are on, and by the end the movie develops a sort of brutal efficiency. But by the time horror stalwart Michael Ironside pops up for an extended cameo, the whole thing feels like a lost cause.

Scariness: 
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Hotness: 
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Gore: 
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Acting: 
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Review: Baron Von Marte

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