We’ve all heard of the Bloody Mary ghost story. Go into the bathroom. Turn off all of the lights. Light a candle. Say “Bloody Mary” three times into the mirror and wait for her to appear. I’ve always been too afraid to do it, but my friend claims to have seen her. I think that he’s full of crap and just wants attention, but to each their own. The same legend is used as the basis of Bloody Mary, except for one minor difference. This Bloody Mary isn’t some angry Victorian apparition nor the infamous Queen Mary I. Nope. Instead, Bloody Mary is a naked angry busty redhead who loves girl-on-girl action. It’s THAT kind of horror movie.
The film opens up in L.A. 1904. After some obligatory establishing shots, the film then switches to a blonde and a redhead boinking. I think this is a porno. While the two ladies are going at it, we see a man, presumably one of their husbands, stumble into the house drunk and go into the kitchen to make a sandwich. Maybe this is just a really progressive household where patriarchal gender roles are reversed and free love is encouraged? The man hears the girls’ moans and picks up his knife. Maybe this isn’t that kind of household. Pissed, and rightfully so, the man enters the love den and stabs the girls to death. Ruh-roh.
It’s now 21st century LA. Two groupies are at the filming of a music video in a warehouse and decide that they should play the infamous Bloody Mary game. Guess who appears in the mirror. Yep. The busty red-head played by Veronica Ricci. And she’s pissed. Turns out the musician who is filming the music video is a direct descendent of her murderous husband and she wants to kill all surviving members of the bloodline. Maybe this is a militant lesbian film about avenging the wrongdoings of homophobic men? Nah. I think its just soft-core lesbian porn with a horror twist.
I’m not sure what else to say about Charlie Vaughn’s Bloody Mary. The sound and editing are pretty atrocious. The acting is actually worse than a porno. And the writing, well lets just say, leaves a bit to be desired. But I think my biggest gripe with Bloody Mary is that it doesn’t quite know what it wants to be. It’s part soft-core porn and part horror. But fails in both regards. It also has a full-length music video in it (because they’re filming a music video remember) which just feels overlong and out of place. The one saving grace is Ron Jeremy. Yes, the famous pornstar Ron Jeremy, who makes some pretty funny appearances throughout the film. It’s in these moments that Bloody Mary 3D is actually enjoyable.
This movie isn’t for everyone. But if you want to see hot girls parading around naked and also a little bit of blood, Bloody Mary is the movie for you.
Review: Alex Schultz