Jeffrey Alan Miller’s 2010 vampire flick Vampegeddon is exactly what you would expect from a film with a title that combines the words “vampire” and “armageddon”. It involves vampires. A lot of them. So many vampires that the earth itself could be destroyed by the new influx of undead, bald, vaguely European, bloodsuckers! There’s so many vampires! In fact – there’s too many! Why are there so many vampires?! Patience, my dear. You shall see.
The film begins in the Old West where hordes of vampires have sought refuge following the release of Bram Stoker’s Dracula and the novel’s subsequent popularity which has made Europe an inhospitable place for vampires to live. Seeking somewhere remote, the vampires immigrate to Arizona territory (which the narrator calls the “New World” – it’s 400 years after Columbus sailed the ocean blue so I don’t know if the term “New World” exactly applies to 1890’s America but, hey, I’m not going to police anyone’s language). Longshank (Patrick Vaillancourt), a rough-and-tumble vampire hunter, is not so pleased with the new citizens and decides to take matters into his own hands to defeat the vampires (could Vampegeddon really be an allegory for violent American vigilantism against undocumented workers in the American Southwest?? Doubtful, but we’ll see). After killing a small clan of vampires, Longshank fights and kills the head vampire Giovanni (Shane Dean) with a little help from a wooden stake and a very evident green screen.
Cut to modern times and we find ourselves among a group of teenage, neo-Vampires adorned with the hottest garb from Hot Topic and the angstiest go-to-hell-dad-you-don’t-understand-me attitude. Fed up with their conservative town and the bullies who just don’t get them, the group sees vampirism and calling upon the vampire king Giovanni as the only route to some semblance of a good life (is this a comment on occultism among outcasts in small conservative towns?? Doubtful, but we’ll see). After conveniently finding a book of vampiric incantations at a local garage sale (who’s owner immediately gets eaten by naked vamp chicks after selling the book??) the group of outcasts now finally has the resources to successfully resurrect the fallen vampires. But will they be ready for what these vampires have in store for them? *Spoiler alert* they won’t be ready.
Vampegeddon is bad. It’s like really really bad. You know when your six year old cousin tries to come up with a scary story and you just sit there listening and trying to figure out what the hell he is trying to get after? Vampegeddon is like that, except with more boobies. Actually I can’t say that, I don’t know your cousin. All of the voices have been dubbed over so there are constant lip synch issues. The acting is some of the worst I’ve seen. The writing is basically nonexistent. The make-up and costumes look like they were bought at Party City. And there are constant, unexplained lesbian sex scenes.
However, despite all of this, I would still wholeheartedly recommend Vampegeddon. Yes, it’s terrible and corny. But it’s terrible in a way that makes it so incredibly likable and watchable, like a Troll 2 with vampires. It’s a movie that you can watch with a group of friends and laugh your ass off with and if there’s one thing that has always been true of horror films – good and bad – is that they draw a group closer together than any other genre. Is Vampegeddon awful? Yes. Should you watch it? Most definitely.
Review by: Alex Schultz